UN Concerned About Climate Impacts of Nepal Constitution
The Unified Nations has acknowledged the passing of long-awaited constitution in Nepal but has expressed concerns about its climate impacts, in a statement published today. Read the full statement below:
September 22, 2015.
The Unified Nations
We acknowledge the passing of a long-awaited constitution in Nepal. However, we are concerned about its climate impacts. Nepal’s neighboring countries – India, China and others such as USA, the UK, and Australia have expressed the same concern. While all of the above mentioned countries have welcomed the constitution, they have expressed concerns to the UN about Nepali citizens en masse burning several copies of the constitution.
While burning copies of freshly minted constitution sends carbon particles into the atmosphere, it also sends an unpleasant message to the international community, ahead of the UN Climate Summit only two months away. At the request of the UN and affected countries, The Union of Unconcerned Scientists (UNUC) has conducted an independent investigation on total carbon emissions from burning Nepal’s constitution. The report released yesterday confirms that the total global carbon emissions may have been increased by as much as 0.0000021%. While that may not seem like a large number, it is not. The scientists have stated that since this is a synchronized burning effort across several countries, the thermal activities could be detected via weather satellites.
According to the reports received from an anonymous Nepali reporter ‘Chatur Nepali’, the dissidents have downloaded a copy of the constitution, printed on A4 size paper, and burned in front of public places. While the UN does not have the authority to advise Nepal on the adequate length of constitution, it advises the dissidents to print double-sided or on recycled paper before setting them ablaze. The US has agreed to deploy at least ten surveillance drones in each affected country to keep a close eye on these activities, ensure dissidents print double-sided, and clean up after themselves. The drones are also fitted with CO2 and CO sensors to measure resulting carbon emissions. The data will be sent to UNUC in real time and updates will be sent hourly to the UN. This data will also be shared with Nepal Institute of Technology over a slow internet speed.
We understand that Nepal is economically poor and its per capita income ranks at 206 out of 228 countries. However, foreign countries are concerned about poor Nepali citizens burning the constitution to stay warm. Some countries have also speculated that it may be a national tradition and don’t want to question it for the fear of appearing culturally lacking. A small group of countries have also suspected that perhaps Nepalis have impeccable memory and can remember all the details of the constitution in one read. Then, they burn it as they have no need for it. Some countries have also suspected perhaps the constitution written in a language unknown to them, contains secrets that should not be divulged to foreign interests. As mentioned, these are all speculations and nothing has been verified yet. If the first hypothesis is correct and Nepalis are burning their constitution out of poverty, we urge the Nepali government to provide its citizens with adequate economic opportunities and work towards alleviating poverty, one of the eight UN millennium development goals.
The UN Human Rights and other international human rights organizations have said the use of expired tear gas shells by Nepal Police against protesters also caused pollution but its effects were localized. A synchronized burn across the world in the US, the UK, Australia, and the Middle East has caused pollution on a global scale and this is against human rights. The World Resources Council has also come out to criticize the use of virgin wood to create paper, print constitution and then burn. It is seen as a waste of natural resources and disrespect, irrespective of the cultural traditions of a landlocked country like Nepal.
We would like to invite the Nepal government and its dissidents for talks so that they can talk amongst themselves, mediated by us, and resolve problems to reduce unnecessary carbon emissions and negative impacts on the climate.
Mr. Pan-Khake-Aflatoon
Secretary-General of Unified Nations
[Attachments: Some of classified images sent anonymously as proof by mysterious reporter ‘Chatur Nepali’]
[This report by ‘Chatur Nepali’ has not been independently verified yet.]
